Just to be Clear

This is from my past, where I no longer live. I am no longer dating. It was like trying to have fun as a fish in the Sahara.

For example:
Waiting for Apu

I wasn’t convinced that he meant it. When the little pink circle lit up my inbox I thought for sure he wrote me back by mistake or obligation to his mother’s generation or I don’t know what. Curiosity maybe. Maybe curiosity.
He was only 49 and I am 55. Every other man had made it perfectly clear that if they were 49, the cut off for a woman was 33. God forbid a 49 year old man should make the stretch to date a 34 year old. Of child bearing age. A wrinkle free woman.
For 55 year old men, there is also typically no such permit for an over 40 year old woman.
I had expanded my search to men in their 70’s. Whom, all withered up and wheel chaired would reply from at least their Eazyboy, “you need to be loving and secure and have plenty of money and time to focus on me and enjoy cooking or cleaning up and downhill skiing with your slender athletic body. Drop me a line if you want to travel all over the world on my lap and then sit on my couch or on a stool at the bar and watch the game.”
Who are these men?
I would like to think, just a tiny representation of the male population, but the numbers won’t let me.

And then Apu showed up.

49 year old Apu, who was so handsome with his grey black hair slicked away from his face and his manly beard. I wrote him because I couldn’t help myself, not because I was expecting an answer back.
But he wrote back.
He said, “I am soon to be 50, so not that much of a stretch if you are 55.”
Well I’ll be.
When he asked me for my phone number so we could talk and text, I said, “Apu, I think it is best if we hold off on the number. That way if when you meet me you think, “ohhhhhh, noooooo”, we can just walk back out the door like nothing ever happened.
He said, “Fair enough.” And he gave me his email.
I didn’t hear from him.


I emailed to tell him I completely understood; no need to keep it going, and he emailed me right back, “Just busy. Was going to email!! you beat me to it! More later.”
I waited.
Old as I am.
As if the banking crisis hadn’t already happened. In particular to the old people.

But History has a shelf life.
Knowledge evaporates.
How do I not remember that?

It is Saturday and there is no Apu asking me to play ping pong. Tomorrow is Sunday, and there will be no Apu asking me to play ping pong.
Which apparently he is very good at.
I wouldn’t know.

Footnote: At that time I ate mostly cereal during the daylight hours and then late night mini hamburgers with hits off a milkshake to try and bulk up.