Day 1:
Faye (with Ferd): (to crossing guard) Excuse me, would you do me a favor? When I’m crossing the street with my kid and I see you in the middle of the intersection, I assume, and I could be wrong, that you are going to take over the traffic. If you walk away to talk to somebody when we’re halfway through, I’m worried that a car could get the wrong idea.

Crossing Guard: (to the guy she’s talking to) What did she say?

Day 2:
Faye (with Ferd and friend of Ferd; to crossing guard; going for the I-know-we-have-issues-but-maybe-we-can-still-be-friendly-approach) Hi, how are you?

Ferd: (to crossing guard) You shouldn’t chat!

Crossing guard: (to Ferd) Excuse me? what did you say?

Faye: (to Ferd) what did you say?

Ferd: (to mom) I told her not to chat.

Crossing Guard (I’m not sure to whom) I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

It didn’t get any better. I’m mad at the crossing guard and she’s mad at me. I was just going to pretend I had no feelings about the whole thing (when upset, repress is best) but she called me over this morning when I was walking the dog. She said that I should be aware that crossing people is not her only responsibility, that she has no responsibility for children walking with their parents (fair enough) and that her other responsibilites include looking out for child abusers and drug abusers. She said my son had no right to tell her how to do her job and that she can have people arrested for harassment.
I said, “he’s five years old. I told him not to say it.” And then I said, “look, I understand if you have to look out for all kinds of human abuse, but it seems like at 8 o’clock in the morning, on a four way intersection, with no stop signs, in one of the safest neighborhoods in NYC, the most pressing thing to look out for is traffic.”

Then I said “have a nice day” and she said “you have a great day” and I came home, sat down, and thought to myself,
“I am not cut out for kindergarten.”

On that note, how about a bunny salad? Peel a pear, cut it in half and core. Squeeze some lemon juice over the whole thing. Set it on a plate, flat side down. Stick two currants into the narrow end for eyes. Use the skinny inside leaves of an endive for ears, and a little spoonful of cottage cheese for a tail.