There was a bit of a tense moment at the Christmas table for the American when an elderly English lady whom I had never met before leaned across the table and said to me “I don’t know how you people feel about Halloween, but I wish it had stayed with you.” I wasn’t expecting that; I quite like Halloween and I have no idea how we got onto that subject except maybe she has been storing up bad feelings about my people and I was the first one to come along in person. In the Christmas spirit I smiled and brought it back to mince pies and did she really make her suet for mince from stringy beef bits, or did she like to buy it? It’s important to keep smiling at Christmas even if you crack for a minute. Even if somebody starts yelling. Now is not the time to sort it out. Christmas is not reality and will only leave you bruised and confused if you try to make things right with any long term goals.

I have one thing to say to you people today: NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO COOK. Now is the time to let whomever is in the house find their own food, and wash their own dishes, or it might go right over the top and you’ll find yourself picking up even old ladies by their tiny bootstraps and sending them into the cold night to find their way to home or pub on a bus.

People like to find their own food. It’s hard not to be needed but it can be lovely to be a lump.